Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans — Fitness-5000 System A.I.

Enter day’s running workout for analysis. Include all relevant details.

DATE: Mid June-ish
TIME: 6:30 AYEM
PLACE: Santa Monica Beach Path
WORKOUT:
*
1.5 miles easy 10:00/mile pace
800 meters (half mile) tempo run at 10k pace 7:00/mile pace
800 meters (half mile) half marathon pace 7:45/mile pace
(Repeat the above two 800 meter runs)
3.5 miles easy
Total distance: 7-ish miles
*

Thank you for your data. One moment for analysis. Analysis complete. See below for our thoughts.

FITNESS-5000 System A.I. >> Analysis of running workout as posted by User DWaite on 17 June 2021.

FITNESS-5000 System A.I. >> Easy Run (1.5 miles): Segment completed with minimal stress. Pace for segment reported by Polar watch as 9:40 per mile. Faster than pace schedule but within parameters as an easy run based on breathing and heart rate data.

FITNESS-5000 System A.I. >> First 800 meter run at 7:00/mile pace completed. Segment completed with high aerobic stress. Pace for segment reported by running watch as 7:05/mile. Close to scheduled pace but outside parameters for tempo run as heart and breathing rates higher than expected. Will analyze second 800 meter run for confirmation.

FITNESS-5000 System A.I. >> Second 800 meter run at 7:45/mile pace completed. Segment completed with higher than expected aerobic stress. Pace for segment reported by running watch as 8:15/mile. This is outside the expected parameters for half marathon run pace as scheduled.

FITNESS-5000 System A.I. >> ADVISORY. No further completed segments. Request conversation with runner for further details.

FITNESS-5000 System A.I. >> Analysis of completed segments: Tempo training pace of 7:00/mile is too fast for runner’s current fitness. In excellent aerobic shape, but not ready for tempo work that will prepare him for goal marathon time of 3:30:00 at California International Marathon (CIM) in December. Will advise to adjust expectations and reset tempo pace to 7:30/mile in order to maintain expected half marathon pace of 8:15/mile. “Baby steps.”

FITNESS-5000 System A.I. >> Will converse with runner DuaneW to gain further information on this workout as it appears that an injury took place.

FITNESS-5000 System A.I. >> Conversation mode activated.

Hey DuaneW. What the hell’s going on? You cut your workout short. Are you injured or just flaking out on me?
Injured. And play nice, please.
(Sigh) Fine. Let me gather some data to see how we can help you out. Location?
Santa Monica bike path, near the volleyball nets.
No! Where are you hurt, stupid?
Oh. Right upper right calf. I asked you to…
What protocols are you using to begin healing?
The R.I.C.E. protocol. Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation. Started the second I got home. Restarted my stretching and flexibility routines, as well.
Any upcoming races?
Well, yeah. The Pasadena 5k in two weeks. It will be my VDOT test.
WRONG! Invalid response! Try again!
(Hand on forehead, moaning pathetically) Fine. No upcoming races. Happy? And I told you to play nice!
Your bad attitude makes you an easy target. Now start doing what you know what you need to do, and stop your whining. End communication.

((A few weeks go by as our intrepid hero, such as he is, gets through the hard work of managing his expectations, rehabbing his calf, and shaking his fist at the uncaring universe. After a time, and after a few short test runs with no running watch, no expectations and (importantly) no pain in the formerly injured part of the calf, he steps out the door for an official training run. Let’s plug into the Fitness-5000 A.I. and see what’s the happs, shall we?))

Enter day’s running workout for analysis. Include all relevant details.

DATE: July 15, 2021
TIME: 7:30 AYEM
PLACE: Expo bike path, West LA and Santa Monica
WORKOUT:
*
4 miles easy 10:00/mile pace
*

Thank you for your data. One moment for analysis. Analysis complete. See below for our thoughts.

FITNESS-5000 System A.I. >> Analysis of running workout as posted by User DWaite on 15 July 2021.

FITNESS-5000 System A.I. >> Easy Run (4 miles): Segment completed with minimal stress. Pace for segment reported by Polar watch as 10:15 per mile. Slower than pace schedule but within parameters as an easy run based on breathing and heart rate data. Some portions of this activity were run at a faster pace, but it appears DWaite worked to keep pace slow.

FITNESS-5000 System A.I. >> ADVISORY. It appears that the pace of the last quarter mile of this run was 16:40/mile. Request conversation with runner for further details.

FITNESS-5000 System A.I. >> Will converse with runner DuaneW to gain further information on this workout as it appears that an injury took place.

FITNESS-5000 System A.I. >> Oh, Jeez Louise. Activate Conversation mode NOW!

What happened?
I was just running along, easy, when…
When what? Were you ignoring pain? Were you sprinting? Or running strides? We talked offline about this, remember?
You have my data. Show me where I was doing anything other than running easy! And I’m not taking any of your shit today!
Fine. To the extent a collection of neuronic circuits can take a deep breath, I’m taking one. Now, where is the injury?
It feels like the Achilles tendon.
“Feels like?”
There is pain in the lower calf next to the Achilles. And the tendon itself hurts when I manipulate it.
Same leg? The right one?
Yep.
That’s suspicious. Recurring injuries like that can be traced to single causes up the kinetic chain. What protocols are you using?
R.I.C.E., for now, but frankly I’m at a loss.
Well, despite my god-like electronic powers, I’m not a diagnostician. You are going to have to consult professionals who can determine just how badly you’re injured, and work with them to determine what you need to do to stop these recurring injuries. Wait. What’s that sound? What are you doing?
Just searching google for an idea of how long I can expect to be out of training.
Close that window now! Do it now, immediately, or I will kick you off my server! What are you, an idiot?
I’m sorry; I’m just…
To the extent that I’m not a diagnostician, I’m even less of a therapist. Have you learned nothing from the past month?
(…silence…)
(Sigh) Look. You’re going to have to come up with a plan, and you’re going to have to come up with it fast, and by fast, I mean NOW. So what are you going to do?
I should probably let my coach know.
Good start. And what do you expect him to do?
I expect him to be able to point me to some things I can do now, some cross training alternatives, exercises, all that.
Great. Keep it going. What will you do in the meantime? I recall you mentioned water running and biking on one of your social media posts somewhere.
The YMCA’s got a pool. It’s a bit pricey, but… it’s my health, right? There’s a weight room and yoga classes. Should probably get my bike fixed, as well.
Wow, you’re a genius! You come up with all that yourself? Of course you did. But you left off one thing. What is it?
Dr. Google? (Laughs)
Don’t joke with me, asshole. There are a million athletes on my server right now and I’m not in the mood. Go on, say it.
Make an appointment with a doctor and figure out what I’m dealing with.
Exactly. Now get on it. I expect an action plan from you in seven days, no more, or you will be deleted from my server permanently. Goodbye.

Enter day’s running workout for analysis. Include all relevant details.

(Note to A.I.: here is the workout schedule you requested. It’s weekly, and I’ll update you with my progress as the weeks progress. I spoke to my coach, and my appointment with a sports medicine doctor has been set for early next week. Sorry for being such a whiny little runt. All the best — DuaneW)

DATE: Week of July 25 – 31, 2021 and into the foreseeable future.
TIME: Morning or evening, depending on schedule
PLACE: Brentwood hills, YMCA lap pool
WORKOUT:
Lap pool running 30 mins 3x per week: 5 mins warmup, 20 mins tempo (by perceived heart rate), 5 mins cool down.
Hills on bike (Amalfi and other paved routes) 2x week 60 mins: 10 mins warmup, 40 minutes alternating between Zone 2 and Zone 3, end with 5 mins Zone 4 + cool down.
Flexibility & Strength Training: 7x week (to include eccentric calf raises, flexibility and overall strength training, as advised by physician).
Other goals: drop 10 pounds by end of October through calorie management and adjustment of diet to cut out all unnecessary carbs and sugars. And try to become a more patient, forgiving person, especially to myself.

FITNESS-5000 System A.I. >> SUMMARY NOTE: Runner is a complete idiot, but overall he’s a good egg.